Author Archives: Julie Stewart Ferguson

I Got a New Wardrobe

26 Wednesday May 2021

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Wait till you hear about it!

No, I don’t have pictures. But I have a stellar description of it, so stick around and check it out!

I was scrolling through the archives of my journal and happened upon one from June of 2018. It pretty much mirrored thoughts, emotions, and struggles that I’m staring at again. I kinda feel exasperated. I mean, these are different ones, but the feelings are pretty much the same.

I feel conflicted when I re-read my stuff and see similarities in past trials.

Thoughts like:

“I’ll never permanently change.”

“God’s gotta be frustrated and rolling His eyes at me… again!”

and sometimes I even wonder

“What’s the use?”

But I read further and discovered something that I had forgotten about. Something really powerful and special and exquisite that Jesus showed me about Himself. Something that was in response to battles I face and the need for rescue, the cry for hope and the plea to change.

Here’s where I start my written groanings:

“I don’t want to see You (God) as exclusive to certain needs I have, or only to certain people…. You want it all…. you care about it all. I know this in my head….Even about the stupid controlling PROBLEMS and their lousy conversations with me lately, I’m leaning into You for answers, for peace, for guidance where I need it. I’ll choose to stop being led by the vain imaginations trying to alter my focus and trying to keep me wrestling a giant that has already been conquered.”

I often forget what I promised there. That I said I would “CHOOSE” a whole lot of important things. Ugh.

But then, a stunning scene began to play out on the screen of my soul and spirit – based on the Bible verses in Ephesians 6.

It’s what Jesus showed me in response to the cry of my heart:

I sit here picturing You with me on the battlefield, a Giant and his armies laying there slain, dead…. You’re standing tall, your hair wavy in the wind, your beautiful face, smiling. Your handsome eyes gleaming, looking at me, grasping for my hand while speaking to me …

“Come with Me, look, I destroyed this giant! I destroyed all those that were working for him! Look at them, they’re dead! Come walk through this field with Me, it’s beautiful over there! It’s okay, be brave, I’m with you! Use the courage I gave you. I did this for you Julie! 

“Now you can take off the heavy dark gray armor you’ve felt forced to wear. Yes, don’t be ashamed…it’s okay, take it off! Look at the pristine bright garments I’m going to clothe you in…. Come look!

“You don’t have to wear the burdensome shield on your chest any longer.

“You don’t have to wear the heavy helmet on your head any longer. 

“Remove the belt! Toss off the cumbersome and smothering breastplate too, it’s not very becoming anyway.

“And something else, you don’t have to walk around in those clunky shoes if you don’t want to.

“Oh and that heavy sword? Toss it- Trust me. You won’t need it now. 

“Look. Here. This will be your new wardrobe!

“Your helmet is now your SALVATION. Remember? When I died, I conquered this enemy and saved you from him. It was for FOREVER. That’s been My commitment. So wear this crown of salvation proudly,  watch it glitter and gleam on you. It makes your face shine, your eyes light up now! Believe this position of honor and value that I have crowned you with. This is always who I made you to look like. Believe it. I have rescued you. You are SAVED!

“The heavy sword that you hate carrying on your side is no longer needed. Remember?  You have my BOOK- My WORD – with which you can use to wield for your ultimate defense. It is all you need to carry with you. This book is the one I wrote for you a long long time ago. I wrote it with stories and poems and dreams and plans with YOU in mind Julie. It is what I have given you to change your life.

“The shoes I’ve given you are carefully designed ones of the peace you’ve cried out for. I’m telling you now, it’s good news, you get to wear them! They’re what I want you to walk in now, EVERY single day….not those uncomfortably tight and painful shoes that made you want to retreat to a hiding place where you could sit and avoid the agony of standing in the stormy dark places in what has felt like forever. These beauties are custom made for you Julie. You’ll be confident when someone or something might try to steal your peace. You can stand tall and beautiful in these. They’re even better than ruby slippers. 

“Check out this new belt… NEVER take it off. It will NEVER go out of style. It is MY TRUTH. It holds everything together. It will always offer the truth that you need to go and live your life. The truth is what set you free. It is YOUR ultimate freedom. It is your light when it might get dark. Never ignore it and its purpose. I will always give you every single bit of truth that you need everywhere you go. ALWAYS.

“You know what? The only armor you need now is this beautifully designed lightweight garment of righteousness that I made for you when I rescued you. It’s one-size fits all. It’s the uniform of the Redeemed.  Everyone gets this armor if they ask and understand where it came from, who designed it. It cost Me everything. I paid for it with a love deep inside of me that is so passionate that I gave my very life because of it. But it will cost you nothing.  Just come here to me and let me dress you in it. I promise, it will fit you perfectly.  It’s just your color, just your style. It is transforming your whole look!

“I see some concern in your eyes and I know it’s doubt. But I didn’t forget what you need to wear for that. So lay down that clunky and overbearing metal shield. I’m giving you this weightless, custom-made armor of FAITH. This is where you learn to trust me more EVERY SINGLE time you use it. It dispels lies and lets the truth scream forth from your gut. It will guard your heart. Your arms will only get stronger with continued use. It stands the test of time. It’s DURABLE and STURDY, never tarnishes, it never dulls, it is strengthened by my love for you. 

“So here you are, look at yourself! Do you see my face gleaming at you!? I’m so proud of you. I am so honored that you have given me your heart. That you’ve trusted me enough to change your look, to redesign your life and get those heavy dark threads off of you and out of your life.

“You will stand out to others. They’ll want to know where you got your new digs. You have to tell them where. I have a new look for them too.” 

Do it! Let the whole message of His immense passion for YOU heal you, make you whole and bring you new life.

Here’s a bonus for you…..some lyrics from one of my favorite songs about the extravagant love of Father God.

It’s extravagant it doesn’t make sense

We’ll never comprehend the way You love us

It’s unthinkable

only Heaven knows

just how far You’d go

to say You love us

Written by Steffany Gretzinger, Amanda Lindsey Cook, Sean Feucht, Ran Jackson

Give it a listen!

Walk Me Home

10 Wednesday Feb 2021

Posted by in inner healing

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I’m just gonna get right to it. Lately, I am so tired of hearing about people dying. Not just the people that I know and love but the people that I know and love losing people that they know and love. Then there are more and more famous people I’ve admired passing away…. and what about the immensely loved pets dying in the arms of their masters? Sigh…It hurts just writing the thought of it. I resent the challenge before me, that I have to consider the reality that death can happen at any point for anyone who has ever been born. 

That’s the thing.  It’s inevitable. And I hate this fact.

It’s part of the plan that God has for every man or woman that has ever lived and will ever live from here on out. And truthfully, for the person who dies, it’s truly the best thing that could ever happen to them.
Unless they don’t know God. If they have never personally known God then, well, death is only a temporary reprieve. 

I can’t wrap my brain around it all. I can’t find a place of consignment to those words. You know… statements like:
“it’s only temporary” or
“we’ll see them again one day”,
“they haven’t died, they’ve just switched homes”,
“they’re at peace or rest now”,
“they’re not suffering any longer” or
“it’s only their bodies that have been buried, their spirits are still alive (with Christ)”…..  
Please, someone pass me some earplugs.

One of the most oft quoted Bible verses that I’ve heard since I was young is
“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” (Psalm 116).
I often thought how sweet a sentiment that sounded, but frankly, I have done my best not to spend too much time considering what that actually means. I mean, I can only imagine how happy it would make God to have us home with him, face to face, because ultimately, he knows how ecstatic and at peace we will be when we are with Him. But why dwell on something (that I think is) heartbreaking for me?

If I’m honest, I’m actually not as afraid of dying as I have been for a lot of my life. In fact, I’ll just get a little morbid here – Sometimes I have literally laid out the way I would like to die as though I was placing an order…. and while I’m thinking about it, please just don’t let it include much suffering for me or anyone else I love.

Seriously though, I used to be more attached to this earth and the thought of “leaving” it was frightening! That attachment was mostly driven by the important things that I still hadn’t accomplished, like getting married, becoming a mom, and having a grandbabe.

Don’t start worrying about me, I’m just being honest here.  Suffice it to say, I have come to a general place of peace about my inevitable permanent relocation to heaven.

I haven’t, however, made peace with permanently saying goodbye to anyone that I adore. Not by a longshot.

In August of 2019, I lost my 44 year old baby brother. I was COMPLETELY unprepared when the call came that he had been found unresponsive. I had a panic attack in my family room. It was horrible. At that moment, I was in a desperate denial….
“No, wait, let me just kiss him goodbye first… Also, we had an argument, I beg you, I just need another minute to tell him how much I love him, and also, that I’m sorry for some things and while I’m at it, that I forgive him for some things. Oh and can I please just get a few more minutes to ask how he would want me to plan his memorial service?”  

When the call first came that he had passed, I knew he had been taken to the hospital so I decided to call them to ask what the protocol would be for coming to see him since we were told that he died. However, when I called them, they told me that the EMTs were able to revive him. And in that moment, a burst of adrenaline went through my body, I pulled myself together, grabbed my keys and hubs and hit the road…. I thought, “alright dude, if you’re going to be with God then you’d better hold on till I get there….you owe me”. 

We made it in time to see him, touch him, kiss him and pray for healing before his body gave up. I am forever grateful that God allowed me that one more moment even though he wasn’t coherent. It is a mercy that I feel incredibly thankful to have had. 

The thing is, the dynamics around our relationship at that time made losing him even more complicated and certainly played a role in the horrible grief that set in the moment I heard he was gone. I could never go back and say all the things I had rehearsed in my head for the last 2 years of his life. All of the plans I made to clarify, reconcile and heal – they fell through in the blink of an eye. There was no do-over. 

When I lost him in my life and realized that I will NEVER ever see him again, it was a reality that I wasn’t prepared for. I mean, I had lost 2 grandparents by the time I was 23 and a short time after that, I lost a couple of very special friends, very difficult moments of loss. In 2015, in one of the worst days of my life, I lost my precious nephew suddenly and cruelly. It was life-changing to have his young soul snuffed out of our lives, to watch his parents try pick up their broken hearts… all of the agony broke me.

But, surely I would be used to it from there on out, right?

I have realized that I will never ever get used to it. The reality of the brevity of life still haunts me sometimes. I have to work hard at not letting those losses harden my tender heart for good.

The finality of someone leaving earth is beyond my scope of understanding. The older I get, I see more and more that the emptiness felt when losing someone forever won’t be decreasing as far as I can tell. Practically speaking though, I know it’s the reality of the circle of life as God intended it to be. The hope of seeing most of those I love again carries my heart through the ebb and flow of grief.

I’m going to let you in to a recent journal entry of mine. It was a prayer of sorts that I wrote about trying to process death and dying: 

In the end, I just beg you God to give me a sense of supernatural peace. Please give me a life of inner hope and an ambition for your kingdom that will squelch my anxieties… help me to have a clear vision of all that you have for me and those I love until the day we’re all with you.
Please help me to release my clenched fists that have clung tightly to everyone I know and love and the world – that I will now know it so that I can be free in you… free to love and be loved in the moment.
More than anything else, help me to connect with you more fiercely than ever.
Jesus, you know that my heart and whole being are so emotionally driven in its passion for people. I want to accept that part of my personality because it blesses you and allows me to be used by you in a way that requires me to let go of any earthly comforts that I want to hold onto because I don’t want to suffer. I need you God. I need you to still my anxious heart. Please God, do not let me succumb to any hopeless emotional state of mind because of voids created when someone I have known and loved leaves earth to be with you.

 I think there is much more I can write about death and dying. One day. They are a multifaceted reality of life that can’t be summed up in one online entry. My heart is that I will continue to heal and grow but even more than that, I want to hold the hands of anyone I meet, including you, my reader, as we all process grief in the midst of the loss of the humans we so dearly love. Holding hands as we walk home.

Life after death for the surrendered heart to God, beyond this earth is going to be an eternal culmination of extravagant beauty and glory that we can’t even begin to imagine on this earth right now.

If you don’t know God personally or want to find your way back to Him, please reach out to me, or someone you know that knows Him. Trusting Him with your heart is the all time best way I know to cope with all this earthly pain. I promise you it will be the BEST decision you’ve ever made.

Here’s a sweet tune that I discovered the day after my little bro passed on. It’s a beautiful melody and lyric for the weary one on their way home and for the one grieving their absence.

https://youtu.be/Jd6JItcWlDU

What are you waiting for?

22 Friday Jan 2021

Posted by in Writing

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I see a therapist. A counsellor. A girl who lets me come to her office and tell her all about my problems. She is amazing. She has a waiting list so I can’t hand her name out or I would. I am one of the fortunate girls to be her client. I’m sure I’ll tell you more about all of that in the very near future.  I’ve been pining over this passion I have for writing words for about 10 years now and ever since I met my therapist, I have talked about it numerous times during our sessions.  So, about 2 weeks ago, she asked me point blank: “What are you waiting for?”

I have a list of what I think are good reasons as to why I have been waiting. My guess is that these excuses probably aren’t much different than most people might make.

Excuses like:   

  • What makes my voice (words) so special?
  • I don’t really think I’m all that eloquent.
  • I’m not as good a writer as “so and so”, whoever that might be.
  • What if people won’t read what I have to say?
  • What if I’m rejected for what I write?

And… just today, I discovered something else:  There are some technological elements to this form of online creativity that I know NOTHING about. There’s another reason. I like to think of myself as pretty “tech savvy”, but as it turns out, I’m a little challenged in this area. I have some stuff to learn!  And now, all of you who read this blog will get to watch me do this. You’ll watch me grow and morph into a different person as I venture out into unknown territory trying to make my mark on the world! 

You know what else is intimidating me as of late? The fear that I have of being censored. There’s a trend right now, one that is being a bit selective with whose voices it likes and doesn’t like. I am not one who has ever appreciated being told that I can’t speak…. Or that I can’t share my opinion…. Or that my opinion doesn’t matter. Just ask my mama and daddy. Or my teachers in school.  I NEVER liked being told to be not to speak. I’ll concede – most of that I needed to obey because I was learning that authority had an important responsibility to fulfill in my formative years. (One day, I’ll write about the times where using my voice when I was a little girl was the most powerful thing I could have done, despite the risk of being misunderstood.)  However, over the past 20 years of my life, there’s a “hierarchy” that exists that I have bucked against – and my eyes have been opened to the reality that my desire to put my voice out there might make some of “them” squirm. And now I stand at a crossroads. 

I think everyone stands at a crossroads right now. I really believe that every person, whether an introvert or life of the party, has something to say. Being forced to #stayhome more than ever over the past year certainly hasn’t helped things when it comes to face to face communication. But now, since we are behind screens more and people are hoping for more human to human connection, I’m wondering…. Why don’t we all show up and speak? Why don’t we take a risk and communicate our passions a little more freely in a way that will challenge each other to learn more, that will build each other up, that will help us all have a sense of the camaraderie that we have been craving?

Yet, it’s worth considering: there are some kinks that we might encounter. In fact, we’ve already been experiencing them in almost every social network, news outlet, church pulpit and more….  The fact is, we don’t always agree with what everyone says. And we’ve all become more entitled to that reality. I am definitely one of “those people”. Staunch in my opinions and morals and convictions. And I pride myself in that. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I also believe that pride can be dangerous. I’m learning the difference between a healthy amount of pride that drives the loyalty to one’s beliefs but is equally held accountable by extraordinary amounts of humility. That is the cornerstone of success for anyone who wants to make a difference in this world. And something I want to become. Bound to my passion but aware of the opportunities to become better at considering the thoughts and perspectives of the voices around me.

And then there’s God. God is at the center of everything that I am driven to do. He is what motivates me to be the best I can be – including using my voice for good. To use my voice for the masses who need encouragement and for those who might need a challenge to make changes, to think differently about something, to become better. 

I want to see a company of people come together to use their words for good… and especially for God! I believe the world needs the HOPE that is found only in Jesus and His voice in each of us who know Him.  It is my deep desire that we can all team up to get the good words out there and to fight for the voices of people everywhere. To change our world one pen, keyboard, typewriter at a time.

I fight insecurity daily when I think about what I am “supposed to be doing”. But I have made a decision to fight it, knowing God is on my side. After all, He’s the reason I’m doing this. The reason I speak. I’m going to keep writing words. And share them with as many people as will read them. 

Thank you for being one of them.